Luckily for me (and Sean Astin), the Bikeability Scotland scheme exists. Run by Cycling Scotland, the three-tiered programme teaches children (yes, I know I’m not quite their target pupil) to ride bikes safely and effectively in the modern-day environment. For those of us who understood the Goonies reference, it’s cycling proficiency but with a less learn-y name. And I wanted to try it.

When I nervously approached Cycling Scotland, wearing a hopeful smile and my ‘I Heart Bikes’ t-shirt, I really didn’t expect the wonderful reaction I received. Before I had polished my handlebars, I was welcomed into their office, presented with some colourful information booklets and invited to become one of the first adult Bikeability Scotland participants, with a place in the fantastic Pedal for Scotland event on offer if I thought I could manage a 47-mile cycle trek by September. I even caught a glimpse of the shiny badge I could earn on successful completion of the Bikeability training. I, of course, agreed and, since I’ve not quite mastered steering yet, there was no turning back.

On my first visit to Kilmarnock Amateur Weightlifting Club on Saturday, I watched in awe as what were truly athletes – men and women alike – pushed weights up and over their bodies as though gravity deferred to their superior physiques. From the safety of a corner of the well-equipped gym, I winced and flinched, jumping each time the juddering weights reconnected with the floor, hoping with all my puny might that the ceiling of the hall below was made of sterner stuff than my nerves.

Yes, I was my usual edgy, awkward mess of a bystander – and would have been a lot worse had the club’s members and coach, Charlie Hamilton, not been so receptive and welcoming, even though I was clearly lumbering through what should have been their private training space. Throughout a workout that would have made Bruce Banner wince, they found the energy to chat to and encourage this self-confessed weakling in their midst.

And then it was my turn. Three of the club’s high-achieving female weightlifters took the time – and considerable patience – required to show me the basics. But ‘basics’ makes it sound easy, and it’s not, even with an empty bar and expert coach on hand. The basics are technical and detailed, and difficult for me to remember all at once. If my hands were in the right position, my knees were too close together; when I checked my footing, my balance would falter. Bringing it all together at the same time was beyond me, and that was without the added stress of weights bearing on my mind and my joints.

But I tried and (hopefully) improved and, pleased with what I had learned, left the world of weightlifting after two hours with a small sense of achievement and some practice exercises to try using household objects before next week’s lesson.

It seems that in weightlifting, as in life, everything has its place – and mine, for the moment, is beneath a wobbling broom shaft in the comfort of my living room.