The hilarious new Scottish football column by Jim Thornton
Jim Thornton has swerved the gold course, DIY, and even a performance in front of Simon Cowell to make his The Away End debut. Just don't call him Subo.
Better late than never
What’s the big fuss about Hearts paying their players seven hours late? Some of Andy Webster’s tackles are later than that.
SFA award
My mole at Hampden tells me that the Scottish FA have plans to introduce an award for the player who has most shots at goal in a season. It’s to be called “The Ballooned Ower”.
Kris Boyd
Houston Dynamo have apparently shown interest in signing former Rangers striker Kris Boyd. Be honest, when did you last see the words “dynamo” and “Kris Boyd” in the same sentence?
Hibs already lie down to Hearts so that's nine points sorted
How to improve Scottish football – Part 1
It’s a sad but incontrovertible fact that none of the clubs outwith the Old Firm has won the title since the SPL was set up in 1998. Indeed only Hearts, in season 2005-06, have managed to split Rangers and Celtic (or Celtic and Rangers, if you’re paranoid that way) at the top of the league.
Even sadder, there is no sign of this unhealthy duopoly coming to an end in the foreseeable future.
Whilst the blue and green brigades might argue otherwise, this sorry state of affairs cannot be allowed to continue if our national game is to be reinvigorated. However, so far none of the great minds of the game (Henry McLeish, Vladimir Romanov, Chic Young) has been able to come up with a solution.
This is the first in a series of proposals to remedy the situation.
First of all, those teams outwith the Big Two get together and form themselves into a Rebel Ten; a sort of Old Firm manqué, as it were.
Then, at the start of each season, they select one of their number at random, and the others all agree to lie down to the lucky team when they play each other.
The ‘winners’ would therefore be guaranteed a minimum of ninety points, plus whatever they can glean from the Old Firm. Even if no points were taken from either of the Big Two, ninety points would have been enough to win the league four times in the last ten years. Simples!
Yes, I hear you say, but this smacks of collusion, cartels, and self-protection. Or is that the Old Firm you’re talking about?
Hold on, though, there could be one snag. Do you think Hibs could win even if their opponents were lying down to them?
Yogi, Willie, and the turnip
A possibly apocryphal tale about John Yogi Hughes and former referee Willie Young, as passed on by a former grade-one official who understandably wishes to remain anonymous.
Our Willie was refereeing a game in which Yogi was putting in his usual, honest shift. Now, Big John was never renowned for his silky soccer, and in this particular encounter his robust tackling clearly wasn’t pleasing the opposing fans. Eventually, one guy could take no more, and in his frustration threw a turnip at the big centre-half.
Fortunately, Yogi saw it coming and skipped nimbly out of the way. He then calmly picked up the tumshie and handed it over to Willie, who immediately reached into his pocket for his yellow card.
When Big John asked why he was being booked, Willie replied “For removing your head without the referee’s permission!”
Bully Woe
Cash-strapped Clyde’s plans to leave Broadwood and start playing in East Kilbride in season 2013-14 have hit a snag. The local council has told them that they can only book a pitch one week in advance.
Inappropriate cliché, or what?
Inappropriate cliché, or what?
The ever-increasing number of young Scottish players moving down to England prompted one tabloid to run a spread on this ‘brain drain’. Without casting aspersions on the intellectual capabilities of any of our native players, don’t you think the Daily Record could’ve come up with a more imaginative turn of phrase?
Buddy can you spare a dime
Just had an e-mail from my cousin who works in the Nigerian government. He wants to know why Craig Whyte keeps writing to him asking for his bank account details.
(I’ve had one of these scam letters looking for money as well. Penned ungrammatically in old-fashioned English, it said they were writing to me to solicit my succour. It could have been worse; they might have wanted to suck my solicitor.)
A man’s a man …
I see that Rangers defender Carlos Bocanegra is reading about Robert Burns to help familiarise himself with Scottish culture.
Apparently, he doesn’t say “Hello!” to Kirk Broadfoot any more, instead he greets him with “Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face …”
Man of many clubs
Kilmarnock manager Kenny Shiels says that his side like to get the ball into areas signing target Derek Riordan enjoys. Funny, I’ve never seen Killie playing in a nightclub before.
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