Jim Thornton's hilarious Scottish football column

Written by Jim Thornton.

By Jim Thornton:
Paper Hankies
Kilmarnock for one will be hoping that Rangers’ Administrators can generate enough money to keep the Ibrox club going through to the end of the season.

If the Bluenoses can’t fulfil their fixtures, and their results are declared null and void, poor Killie will lose the six points they’ve earned from their two wins over Govan’s finest (Benburb excluded).  This would drop them to third-bottom spot, just two points ahead of Hibs, who haven't picked up anything against the Gers this season.

Okay, if Rangers do go out of the game before May, relegation won’t be an issue.  But imagine the shame of finishing below the Hibees.

Was beating Rangers all for nothing? Photo by Gary McLauglin
Under Pressure
After last Sunday’s Carling Cup final, who would you rather have taking a penalty kick for you?  A Gerrard or a Jedward?
Flowers of Scotland
Another Scotland game, another argument about picking “English” players.
The current brouhaha is about the omission of Glaswegian Ross McCormick, who’s banging in goals for fun, while the less prolific Jamie Mackie and Craig Mackail-Smith are included.  Yes, the latter two were born in England, have never played for clubs north of the Border, and sound more Eastenders than River City.  And they’ve never been done for drunk-driving or been involved in late-night bevvy sessions.  But just look at their attempts to bring a ball under control. They’re Scottish alright.
Tears of a Clown
On hearing that a famous Irish comedian had passed away, apparently Hearts’ boss Paulo Sergio’s first thought was that Killie would be looking for a new manager.
Summertime Blues
The SFA are to be applauded for commissioning a feasibility study into the potential for summer football.
I’m personally in favour of a complete overhaul of the fixture calendar, moving lock, stock, and barrel to a summer season.  However, there are those who think otherwise and want to stick with the status quo.  And there are the inbetweeners who think some change is needed, but don’t want to go the whole hog; a winter shutdown, perhaps?  One thing that everyone has in common, though, is that their opinions are intuitive and based on gut feel rather than on any hard facts.  “Chacon a son mange tout,” as Del Boy would say.

According to SFA President Campbell Ogilvie, the study will be “serious and evidence-based”, so perhaps it will throw up ammunition to support (or knock down) individual arguments.  Hold on, though.  “Serious and evidence-based”?  How will Chick Young have an input if there’s no room for rumour and speculation?
A Fool Such As I
After having a pop at the SFA about the loan system, and then getting a touchline ban from them for his behaviour during Falkirk’s League Cup semi-final against Celtic, it’s good to see that Elvis doesn’t harbour a grudge against the governing body.  Why, he’s even come out and offered Billy Stark advice on picking the Scotland Under-21 team.
Only the Lonely
Your starter for ten.  Who’s the best supported side in Division Three?  Yes, clever dick, it’s Clyde, who have an average home gate of 578 for league games.   Now you know why there’s a tailback on the M80 every second Saturday.
Broadwood’s biggest home gate of the season, excluding a League Cup tie against Motherwell, was 832 against Queen’s Park way back in September.  Since then, as temperatures and performances have plummeted, so too have attendances.  The Bully Wee’s last two home games have attracted “crowds” of only 351 and 352.
If this decline continues, maybe they should forget about moving to East Kilbride and instead groundshare with Irish side, Cliftonville.  Where do they play?  At the Solitude.
A Linesman for the County
Rumour has it that Al Jazeera will bid against Sky when the English Premier League TV rights next come up for renewal.  Given the Arabic attitude towards women, perhaps we’ll see Andy Gray back in the commentary box sooner than expected.
Rangers’ fans must have choked on their muesli when they saw pictures in the papers of Allan McGregor wearing Scotland’s new all-green goalies’ outfit.
The Gambler
You can still get 80-1 at Bet365 if you fancy Sweden winning Euro 2012.  You’d better get a move on, though, before the bookies tumble to the fact that Daniel Majstorovic won’t be playing.
Blowin’ in the Wind
As mentioned last week, Leeds’ manager Neil Warnock’s name provides the unfortunate anagram “Colin Wanker”.  How do you think former Clyde striker Alan Frater feels?
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