Rangers 90 minutes away from relegation!
Jim Thornton's Scottish football column, a unique look at the game.
England’s dream team
Now that Fabio Capello’s chucked the England job, surely the FA should look no further than Big Ron Atkinson as his replacement? He’s English, he’s been successful at club level, and he’s managed abroad. And he’d get on like a house on fire with John Terry.
Watch my lips
After studying further video footage, the FA has now confirmed that John Terry did not racially abuse Anton Ferdinand. It seems all he did was ask the ex-Sunderland defender about having been a Black Cat.
Holding the kitty
We can never hope to match the financial clout of the Premier League down south, but it’s still a sad day for Scottish football when an English manager’s dog has got more money in the bank than the current SPL champions.
A rose by any other name
Sad to hear that one of the great names of Scottish football is about to go out of the game because of financial problems. No, not the Govan Workhouse XI, but one of my favourite misprints - Stonehouse Violent. At least I think it was a misprint.
Just as the Devil has all the best tunes, Junior clubs have all the best names. The game at this level is largely rooted in small towns and villages, mining communities in particular, and even the most fervent supporters will admit that Bathgate or Bo’ness have never been mistaken for Beverley Hills. It’s therefore remarkable that the founding fathers of these clubs could look beyond the bings and slag heaps and, as well as “Violet”, come up with names such as “Rose”, “Primrose”, and “Bluebell”; there’s even a “Hawthorn”. A positive plethora of plants, indeed, but no “Pansies” as far as I can make out.
And to be honest I don’t see that changing any time soon - “Come on you Pansies!” just doesn’t sound right, does it? Unless you’re talking about Aberdeen, that is.
Senior clubs have no such horticulturally attractive names; the best they can come up with is “Thistle”. I suppose that’s better than “Jaggy Nettles”, but not by much. In fact, when you look at their names overall, it doesn’t seem as if much thought was given to deciding what they should be called. For the most part, it’s either simply where they come from – Kilmarnock and Motherwell, for example – or they simply tag on “United”, “Rovers”, or Athletic” if they want to be fancy dans. Two honourable exceptions to this are Queen of the South and Heart of Midlothian. Less imaginative souls would probably have come up with “Dumfries Rovers” and “Gorgie Rangers”.
If a senior side were to be based in Dalmellington, which not even its most ardent admirers would describe as “picturesque”, would its committee have had the wit or imagination to call the team Craigmark Burntonians? And Vale of Clyde? They would have been “Tollcross Thistle”, in all likelihood.
Despite its proletarian image, the Junior game is well populated with literary and historical club names.
Sir Walter Scott must have been a fan, surely? Did he support Kirkintilloch Rob Roy, or perhaps one of the various “Waverleys”? And who did the old queen shout for when Blantyre Victoria played Royal Albert in a local derby? The latter hail, if that’s the word, from Larkhall, where the other team in the parish, Thistle, were nearly called “Larkhall Celtic”. Think the vote was close? No, me neither.
Reporters and sub-editors across the land should, of course, be grateful to those otherwise long-forgotten Junior committee men, without whose flights of fancy match reports would be as exciting as watching Ayr United in a League Cup semi-final. Glenafton, for example, never merely play well, they are always “sweet-flowing”; likewise, Irvine Meadow don’t just win, they “reap their reward” and “harvest all three points”. And Shotts Bon Accord invariably stage a valiant fight-back to “get out of jail”. On the other hand, Peruvian journalists probably aren’t stuck for words when Deportivo Wanka have an off day.
For it’s a grand old team to follow, follow
I see Kris Boyd’s signed for a non-sectarian team in the US, the Portland Tim Bears.
How to improve Scottish football – Part 2
It’s a given that the Old Firm’s dominance is an unhealthy influence on the game in Scotland, although to be fair Craig Whyte’s doing his best to remedy that. But you can’t expect the man to do it all on his own.
Some media pundits - and some people who know what they’re talking about, as well - are all for league reconstruction, others are in favour of play-offs at the end of the season. So why not give them both a bash?
First of all, we divide the SPL into two “Conferences”, as they call them in the US, one of which would be made up of the Old Firm on their own. They can then go away and play each other every week to their wee hearts’ content. Yes, I know most folk would find that boring, playing the same team all the time, but we’re talking here about Celtic and Rangers fans, not normal people.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Rebel Ten would have a highly-competitive Conference of their own. Sure, they would miss out on home games against the Old Firm, but these never sell out these days and would be offset anyway by increased attendances in a league where all the teams – apart from Hibs, of course - actually have a chance of winning it.
At the end of the season, the two Conference winners play-off at a neutral venue to decide the overall champions. The proud victors would then take their chances against their counterparts in San Marino, the Faroe Islands, Lichtenstein, Pumpherston, etc in the Champions’ League pre- pre- pre-qualifying preliminary rounds.
And relegation? Well, the bottom side in each Conference would also play-off against the other. Just think of it, one of the Old Firm would be just ninety minutes away from being relegated. Ya dancer!
Tough talking
Bob Crow, leader of the rail union RMT, has given former Rangers enforcer Terry Hurlock a job. I predict management will agree to big wage rises for railway workers in the next round of pay talks. Or else.
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